Rain

http://vimeo.com/10415514

This is a video link, with a 10 minute talk about life... and "rain"... and God holding us close. Watch it, and be blessed. Stay with him, until he brings the story to completion...

Stories...

There is a new movie hitting the theaters, that the support group that I mentioned (posting below) is encouraging us to see as a group, meet for coffee afterwards, and discuss. It is a tear-jerker. In watching the preview, the story is not "mine". It doesn't perfectly align with how I felt as a birthmom... doesn't perfectly depict my reasons for placing... etc. *BUT* the movie is useful for opening discussions. Pulling back up old memories, old feelings, so that I can relook at what that time in my life WAS like. And while I do plan to go with the support group to see the movie, and discuss afterwards so that I am not left with the swirling emotions "alone"... I also want to include my husband in seeing the movie. So that he can have a glimpse into this world of adoption that he is trying to understand. But as you and I both know, if you haven't "lived it"... it's hard for you to understand. But this movie will at least open the topic.

The movie title is "Mother and Child". It is rated R. And here is the link for the preview...

http://www.sonyclassics.com/motherandchild/

support groups

I am always in awe of watching God's hand move, and the lightning speed at which He does so, when the timing is His.

After researching "local" support groups every now and again, I have never had the pieces pull together. And yet, this past week, after accidentally emailing the wrong person... and that person replying with a tidbit of chatty comment... and me asking a question to follow-up what sounded like a potential lead...

That "oops" email generated the exact support group that I needed. Totally unrelated to the email sent. Uniting two strangers electronically, when this "stranger" was in my address book from a simple one time email 2 years ago, replying to an event with an RSVP.

Wow.

For those of you who may be in the Atlanta area, here is the group that I met with for the first time last night: www.adoptiontriadconnection.com

Nurturing Women--a message from our Birthmother Counselors

I am privileged to work with precious women. It was nice to be reminded about how much Jesus loves/loved women. May the following be an encouragement to you as a woman and/or to the women in your life.

At a time when men and especially Rabbis didn’t talk to women (even women of good repute) in public, Jesus cared for women despite the cultural bounds of His time. Here are some examples that came to mind (you can spend time reading and thinking through the precious details):

1) He publicly commended a woman with a bleeding issue for her faith (she was probably shunned by others for years) and called her “daughter” (huge!). (Luke 8:43-48).
2) He raised a 12 year old girl back to life. (Luke 8:40-42;49-56)
3) When brought before Him a woman caught in adultery to test Jesus (by law they were supposed to have brought the man too!), Jesus does not condemn her, but clears the crowd by writing in the sand, and forgives her. (John 8:1-11)
4) Jesus stops a funeral procession and raises a widow’s son back to life (he was her only means of support left). (Luke 7:11-17)
5) He purposely went to Samaria (at a time Jews went out of their way to avoid the area) and spoke to a woman of ill repute and not only engaged her into conversation publicly, but revealed Himself as the Christ (something He rarely did outright). (John 4:7-45)
6) Jesus publicly commended and forgave a woman who came to Simon’s house and wept at His feet and poured perfume on Him. (Luke 7:36-50)
7) He was in fellowship with Martha and Mary (Luke 10:38-42) and He was moved emotionally after their brother died and raised him to life. (John 11:1-46)
8) One of my favorite stories is when Mary M. goes to the tomb to see Jesus’ body (for anointing purposes) and ends up talking to Jesus. He chose Mary as the first person He showed Himself to post resurrection. (John 20:11-18)

Jesus told the Samaritan woman “if you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked Him and He would have given you living water (John 4:10). Matthew 7:11 says “if you then being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in Heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!” I don’t know what His good gifts are planned for you, but our gentle and humble hearted Savior still wants us to come to Him (Matthew 11:28-30) and ask approaching His throne of grace with confidence that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (James 4:16)

Thanks Jesus!

Gina Linden
Birthmother Counselor

a heart full of questions

I am so grateful that Lifeline is not "new at this". That they have been a part of birthmothers' lives... and adoptees' lives... and adoptive parents' lives for years before I even placed. And they watch the cycles as each player in the triangle of adoption grows and changes and matures... and sometimes takes two steps backwards before they can take the one step forward.

Lifeline is putting together resources for birthmothers that are going to network together birthmoms across city lines... and across state lines... in ways that local support groups could only do in limited ways. To realize that Lifeline's Facebook account allows instant "updates" as birthmoms experience the ups and downs of landmark birthdays... goodbyes to key people in their adoption story... struggles with pieces of their current life not coming together in the way (and in the timing) that they had hoped they would. Wow. Add to that the blogging format, and the ability for birthmoms to share their stories in more depth... to write about their struggles as their child's due date approaches... getting past the painful one year birthday celebration... the joys and tears as updates come from the adoptive family... and accelerating past to the waiting, once a placed child reaches the age of information being available to them as they contemplate the decision to search for birthparents. Wow.

I would love to read more stories from Lifeline birthmoms. Of all ages. Of all life stages. Those who are just starting their adoption journey, and trying to decide what path to take to rebuild their life as their placed child starts his... as they struggle with feelings as they later are pregnant with a child they plan to parent... as they contemplate landmark times in their placed child's life that they don't have visibility to... and as a search and reunion happen when the child is 21... or doesn't... what they do during the waiting as life has to still continue, even during the silence.

I hope that Lifeline will one day make available the stories of these birthmoms. And adoptees. And adoptive families. A resource for each of those three to pour over and read thru, as they try to comprehend the strangeness and delight of God's plan intertwining their lives... and therefore their hearts. Stories to read of adoptive moms feeling fear and struggling with trust as the child they poured heart and soul into... announces a need to "search". Stories to read of adoptees who feel grateful and content and at peace with where they are and who they are... and feel no need to look backwards by searching for someone who they hope has gone on to feel the same peace and contentedness. Stories to read of birthparents who make a decision to search for a placed child, not knowing if the child will accept their interest in finding out who they have become in the years that God allowed their paths to separate. Stories of birthparents who feel they need to wait, for the placed child to come looking for them, as a decision coming thru their desire to search and to seek out that which they came from.

The stories collected will not all be happy. But some will. Some of the stories will not have their ending written yet. But others will have God's handwriting all over them in how the pieces fell together in just the right way, with Him as Author. Some stories will be written with patience. Some with anxiousness. Some of the stories will be examples of mistakes that they hope you don't repeat in your own adoption story. Some will be stories of grace, with the writer hoping you have been able to experience what they were blessed with.

flippin' files...

I've been going thru piles of paperwork and files in recent days, filing things away that have been in my "to be filed" pile for way too long. One of the things I ran across was some paperwork that I kept from a divorce recovery seminar that I went to almost 4 years ago. There was a... poem? song? ... that they had included in the workbook compiled for the seminar, that was meant as an encouragement for those who had experienced the death of their marriage. As I read thru it again, I read it thru the eyes of a birthmother, as if God was speaking to her in her grieving... see what you think...

"If You Only Knew"

by Tom Jones

*

If you only knew

The plans I have made for you

You'd lift your eyes again

Look up to the skies again

If you understood

My plans for you are good

Then you'd believe again

You'd want to live again

If you only knew

*

I know it's hard, you

With your life so broken,

To care about tomorrow

Or to know which way to go

But you still need to know

The promises I've spoken

I still love you

And I'll never let you go

*

The plans you made are gone

And your dreams are shattered

And you're feeling all alone

And no one seems to understand

But if you'll trust in Me

Though you're feeling battered

I will strengthen you

And hold you with My hand

*

My plans are not like yours

I use pain and I use sorrow

Every trouble has it's fruit to bear

Every weakness makes you strong

Take each day patiently

And you will find tomorrow

That My mercy triumphs in you like a song

*

If you only knew

The plans I've made for you

Then you'd believe again

You'd want to live again

If you understood

My plans for you are good

I'll not abandon you

I'll keep my hand on you

How I wish you knew

note to self...

A friend whose wife was going thru late stage breast cancer, created a blog for those of us who wanted to be involved in knowing how to help, or how to pray. He posted a quote one day, that was powerful enough to me personally, that I printed it out and taped it up to the cabinet that is front and center when I am slaving in the kitchen. It has been there for 18 months. And today, I reread it with a specific friend in mind.

"There is nothing - no circumstance, no trouble, no testing - that can ever touch me until first of all it has gone past God and past Christ, right thru to me. If it has come that far, it has come with a great purpose, which I may not understand at the moment. But as I refuse to become panicky, as I lift up my eyes to Him and accept it as coming from the throne of God for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart, no sorrow will ever disturb me, no trial will ever disarm me, no circumstance will cause me to fret - for I shall rest in the joy of what my Lord is yesterday, today and forever." - Alan Redpark

On the Other End of the Journey...

My adoption was not "open", since I placed back in the dinosaur years. I gave birth during fall quarter, and then was home during Christmas Break "recovering" before starting back to college winter quarter. And during those months after Kathryn was born, letters were a lifeline for me from the adoptive family. It was proof that she wasn't "gone". That she wasn't "missing". She was PLACED. And a new family was surrounding her with exactly what I had wanted for her. But the unsettling part was deciding what I then wanted for myself. Just like I wanted my placed daughter to grow up feeling loved, and emotionally nourished, and provided for, and cherished... I knew she would want the same for me. That I didn't want my story to her to be... "Yes, you were gone, and I was devestated and spend the next 10 years not leaving my sofa...".

So what DID I want the story to be. Hmm. That is a decision we all have to make. And some of what happened in the years after Kathryn's placement, I was proud of. And some decisions I wish I could pull out an eraser and undo the foolish choices I made. But it was all a part of the story that God was writing in MY life. And I'm sure in Kathryn's life, she will have chapters that are wonderful... or full of angst... or embarassment... or the joy of new love...

I'm contemplating all of this. Realizing that I am in the final months before Kathryn turns 21. And that all I have meant to do, and be, and experience... is coming down to a checkpoint. Am I where I wanted to be? Am I WHO I wanted to be? And is there anything I would do or say or feel differently about if my birthchild was sitting in front of me and asking questions?

At some point in the next few months, will there be a letter in the mail, expressing a wish for Kathryn to contact me? Will there be a phone call from the agency, letting me know a new chapter is about to open?

This is a new challenge for me. My brain (and heart, and mind) wants to research it all to the "n"-th degree, to be sure I am prepared, and ready. And yet, there is a similarity to childbirth as I sit and reread all that I have written. We can go thru the checklist when we are pregnant (childbirth classes, check. bag packed, check.) to make sure we are ready for an eminent birth. And then there is a lot of waiting. And we can sit and... wait. Or we can keep busy so that the time passes more quickly.

And I'm having to choose to keep busy. Living life. Knowing that when... or if... I get to once again meet the adult that my baby has become... it will happen in it's own sweet time. And it's getting to the point of it having to be a conscious decision again. I placed her with a wonderful family. And I trust that. I have a wonderous God, who has written a plan for Kathryn's life, and a plan for my life, before either of us came to be. And I trust in that. I am exactly where I need to be in my life, and I have a purpose, and meaning to my existance... the same way that I would reassure Kathryn that SHE has a purpose, and a meaning to her existance. And I trust in that.

But I do still watch the mail. And flip thru each envelope. And I know that my heart would leap, and I would probably burst into happy tears if I read a letter expressing an interest from Kathryn in meeting. But until then, my job is to be "me".

But while I am waiting, if there are stories that you have about yourself and YOUR waiting... or about a reunion that you have had or are looking forward to... I would love to hear them. Whether you are a step ahead of me, or a step behind me --- there is still so much that we can teach each other, and learn from each other, when we share the journey that we are on...

thinking in the quiet...

It seems to be quite "quiet" on this blog. It is new. There are two followers (one of which is me). And I'm not sure how many are "watching" quietly from the wings. But I am mulling over something that was a puzzlement in years past, and am posting my rambling thought in case it hits a chord with someone else "listening".

My first child, a girl, was released for adoption almost 21 years ago (1988). And since my second child was not born until 1995... and then another in 1997... I soon had a dilema. How to tell my later children of the child I released for adoption. Since my adoption had been "semi-open", my story was not broadcast, and was private to all but my immediate family and a few close friends. How then to trust a child with that story? And with the adoption being semi-open, photos and letters from the adoptive family had stopped long ago. How to time telling the story, when a "reunion" would always remain a shakey option... and was not guaranteed?

There were no books on the market (or at least none that I had found) to "read aloud", when a birthmother wants to tell the story to her later children. There are endless lists of books for the adoptive family to read to their adopted child, for them to grow up "knowing" how they came to be. But there was a void for what I needed.

When I contacted a few sources, looking for options --- I either hit a deadend, or was told by one source a surprising thought: That I should not burden my (current) children with my past. Ouch. I had assumed that if it was "normal" and "healthy" for an adopted child to grow up KNOWING they were adopted... that it would be normal and healthy for my later children, too? But now I was in a quandry. No resources... dissenting opinions... hmm.

And as I tried to free form decisions over the years, as my two later children were growing up... praying for the perfect time... the perfect opening... God kept staying my hand. Until I reached the one year mark before my placed daughter turned 21. That was never my intention, to wait so "late" --- and I did NOT want it to be something shocking like in the talk shows, announced 30 minutes before "the reunion" took place... But God, apparently, had other plans.

And in hindsight, I see His timing, for my later children being told. It wasn't my timing. But it worked out perfectly. Easily. And they have embraced the information in it's fullness. But knowing that every family is different, I was curious what other "stories" exist out there. What resources exist out there. How other birthmoms have handled telling their later children about the child they released for adoption.

I would like to hear YOUR story.

the wonders of Facebook...

Since my files were "inherited" when Lifeline took over New Beginnings (Columbus, GA), this was my first year being included in the wonderful Birthmother's Day Brunch (Birmingham, AL). One of the "wishes" that was stated out loud by one of the ladies sitting at my table, was wishing that there were cards for kids to look thru for their BIRTHmother on Mother's Day. Hmm.

I recently received a "friends" request on Facebook, from a former high school classmate, that I haven't seen since graduation in 1987. In the course of chatting, I discovered he works for Hallmark. THE Hallmark. Of greeting card fame.

So I passed on the idea, that I had "overheard as a request at a charity event".

His reply:

"Your suggestion is bouncing around in the heads of Hallmarkers right now. Apparently they've already found that Birth mothers are more a part of the adopted childrens' lives than they use to be. Who knows, next year you may just see one on the shelf. Either way, keep sending the cards."

I love to watch God connect the dots. A need spoken outloud by an adoptive mother. Me just "happening" to overhear it. A "chance" reconnect with someone who has worked for Hallmark for 17 years. And a wish, totally unbenownst to the mom who said it, is being worked on in the background of a major company.

Oh, how He loves you and me...