My adoption was not "open", since I placed back in the dinosaur years. I gave birth during fall quarter, and then was home during Christmas Break "recovering" before starting back to college winter quarter. And during those months after Kathryn was born, letters were a lifeline for me from the adoptive family. It was proof that she wasn't "gone". That she wasn't "missing". She was PLACED. And a new family was surrounding her with exactly what I had wanted for her. But the unsettling part was deciding what I then wanted for myself. Just like I wanted my placed daughter to grow up feeling loved, and emotionally nourished, and provided for, and cherished... I knew she would want the same for me. That I didn't want my story to her to be... "Yes, you were gone, and I was devestated and spend the next 10 years not leaving my sofa...".So what DID I want the story to be. Hmm. That is a decision we all have to make. And some of what happened in the years after Kathryn's placement, I was proud of. And some decisions I wish I could pull out an eraser and undo the foolish choices I made. But it was all a part of the story that God was writing in MY life. And I'm sure in Kathryn's life, she will have chapters that are wonderful... or full of angst... or embarassment... or the joy of new love...
I'm contemplating all of this. Realizing that I am in the final months before Kathryn turns 21. And that all I have meant to do, and be, and experience... is coming down to a checkpoint. Am I where I wanted to be? Am I WHO I wanted to be? And is there anything I would do or say or feel differently about if my birthchild was sitting in front of me and asking questions?
At some point in the next few months, will there be a letter in the mail, expressing a wish for Kathryn to contact me? Will there be a phone call from the agency, letting me know a new chapter is about to open?
This is a new challenge for me. My brain (and heart, and mind) wants to research it all to the "n"-th degree, to be sure I am prepared, and ready. And yet, there is a similarity to childbirth as I sit and reread all that I have written. We can go thru the checklist when we are pregnant (childbirth classes, check. bag packed, check.) to make sure we are ready for an eminent birth. And then there is a lot of waiting. And we can sit and... wait. Or we can keep busy so that the time passes more quickly.
And I'm having to choose to keep busy. Living life. Knowing that when... or if... I get to once again meet the adult that my baby has become... it will happen in it's own sweet time. And it's getting to the point of it having to be a conscious decision again. I placed her with a wonderful family. And I trust that. I have a wonderous God, who has written a plan for Kathryn's life, and a plan for my life, before either of us came to be. And I trust in that. I am exactly where I need to be in my life, and I have a purpose, and meaning to my existance... the same way that I would reassure Kathryn that SHE has a purpose, and a meaning to her existance. And I trust in that.
But I do still watch the mail. And flip thru each envelope. And I know that my heart would leap, and I would probably burst into happy tears if I read a letter expressing an interest from Kathryn in meeting. But until then, my job is to be "me".
But while I am waiting, if there are stories that you have about yourself and YOUR waiting... or about a reunion that you have had or are looking forward to... I would love to hear them. Whether you are a step ahead of me, or a step behind me --- there is still so much that we can teach each other, and learn from each other, when we share the journey that we are on...
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